Happy Every Day I Live!

The life and times of Alta Mae. Ghost writer for Alta: Shannon Rose! Alta's favorite grand daughter

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

What do you think her secret is?

Ok, I've told this story a million times before and several people keep telling me to post it and since I've been too busy to sit down and tell the latest...here it is.
I needed to go to Victoria Secret to pick up a few unmentionables in the mall. When I take Grandma out like that, I push her in a wheelchair because otherwise, we would never get anywhere. She moves pretty darn slow these days. We’re trottin right through the mall and come upon Victoria’s Secret and the first thing out of her mouth was “I wonder what her secret is?” I knew I was in for it because once she gets started, she don’t quit for nothin’. So, I find some bra’s that would do fine and we go get in line to check out.

We are standing in back of a woman whose girth is, well, quite substantial shall we say. Remember, Grandma is in the wheelchair so her face is dead centered on this woman’s hind end. I’m standing behind the wheelchair minding my own business. So, have you ever seen women who are a little on the humungous side who are wearing shorts that seem to have disappeared from the whole back end? You know, about 38 sizes too small and all crawled up in there? Well this was that woman and I suppose it was just more than my Grandma could handle that day. Before I knew what was happening, I glanced down toward Grandma just in time to see, Oh Gawd, No, oh…nooooooooooooo….It was like slow motion in a movie but I was too late. Grandma had just reached her frail little hand out in front of her face and grabbed hold of that woman’s shorts and yanked them clean outta there for her! I kid you not.

Now, we’ve all felt that urge, you know you have. But we, in our semi-sane state would never pull a stunt like that. You just over look it and pray you always have that special friend to tell you when you look like crap.
My Grandma is not even close to semi-sane though. I tried to reach over and stop her but it all happened so fast and I couldn’t stop her. And do you know, that big ole woman came out swingin’! Oh she was pissed alright. All I could think to do was run but I couldn’t leave my Grandma there to get beat down, that woman woulda killed her. I just dropped the bras and swung the chair around quick as I could and we high tailed it outta there. When my Grandma says or does something like that, there’s no time to try to explain that she’s batty and that the victim of her attack should just let it go, so you just run.

Outside the store I fell on the floor laughing and said, “Grandma, why the hell did you do that? You coulda gotten us killed!” Grandma replied matter of factly, “Well, they didn’t look like they wanted to be in there!”

Nuff said.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

It's ALWAYS about ME!

April 26th was my Aunt Bell's birthday. I make this killer fruit crepe with a cream on top that we call Heaven and that's what she requested instead of cake. So, I make the crepes and Bell comes over and I made balloon hats for both her and granny to wear. I can't believe I don't have a picture of Bell's hat cuz it was incredible!

So, I tell Granny it's Bell's birthday, for the millionth time that day, and I told her we were going to sing to Bell. Well this is family tradition, we ALWAYS sing the whole song and never just say happy birthday. All my life, it was never really a birthday until Grandma called to sing to me. Tradition I tell you!

Anyway, I remind Grandma to sing happy birthday to BELL, I stick a candle in Bell's crepe and we all start singing...(very loudly and poorly, also family tradition)...Happy Birthday.
Typically, granny joins in and sings but this time she just sat there grinnin from ear to ear. Oh, and of course, directing the song with her hands as usual. I lean over and say, grandma sing! She waits till the song is over and thanks us kindly.

Um, grandma? It's BELL'S birthday how come you didn't sing?
She says, I thought you were singin' to ME. Ain't it my birthday?
No grandma, it's BELL'S birthday.
Well MY birthday is December 23rd.
Yes, it is. But today is April 26th and it's BELL'S birthday.
It is??? Ya know, I just love MY birthday. You do know MY birthday is December 23rd don'tcha?
Yes grandma, we know.
Are you going to sing to BELL?
For what?
It iiiiiissss??? Well how bout that. You know, MY birthday is Decemeber the 23rd!!!

Needless to say, Bell was less than impressed with any of this.
Then, grandma would notice Bell's giant balloon hat made to look like a birthday cake and she'd ask what it was. We'd tell her it was BELL's birthday hat, today is HER birthday.
Grandma would say, you know, my birthday is Decmeber 23rd. I just love havin a birthday!

She never one single time wished Bell happy birthday. Why should she? That has NOTHING to do with HER!

But, ain't that a cute pic of granny? Of course it is, just ask HER!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Of Attorneys and Alzheimer's

I'm so sorry I haven't updated this in so long. I had computer troubles and got off track and blah blah, we're back!

So, I'll catch you up on all the stuffs that has gone on since we last spoke but right now, I'd love to tell you the story of attorneys and alzheimers. heeeheeee

A while back I found an attorney to take me on pro bono and make me grandma's legal guardian so as to NOT have to let those idiots downtown talk to her when I need them to fix something, get her social security check, etc. This will help us bypass our crazy phone conversations because then I DO have authority to take care of things legally. I know, as fun as it is for us to watch and listen to, it does get to be a royal pain in my ass and at some point I'd like to actually have the shit taken care of.
So anyway, the attorney files all the nessesary papers, serves all the other relatives in case they want her instead (ROTFLMAO) and we get a court date set to go before the judge. Well yesterday the attorneys office lady calls and says the attorney ad litum will be coming to visit and do a home inspection first thing in the morning. Tomorrow morning! Ack! Well, we were going on 48 hours of no sleep and I was too tired to clean up and I thought, shit, I'm assuming they're coming to see how we live so they'll sure see it.

Here's how the morning went...

The attorney shows up about 9:10 am.
Good morning, I'm Helen.
Good morning Helen, come right in.
Helen and I chat a bit, she asks about grandmas finances, what all she owns (nothing) and her daily routine. Asks about all grandmas personal stuff...everything.
So, all this time, Helen and I are in the living room and grandma is in her bedroom watching her game shows. She likes those cuz she always thinks she won a bunch of money. Anyway, Helen says, well, I'd like to meet Alta because I have to serve her with the papers.
Huh? lol, you have to serve HER?
Yes, by law, she has the right to know what's going on and a choice as to whether she wants to live with you and have you be her caretaker.
I explained that she wouldn't know what she was talking about but she said it was the law. Helen said she knows how these old folks are, said this wasn't her first rodeo.
bwhahahha, ok. Right this way.

We walk into grandmas room and of course she's VERY excited to see Helen...who she's never met before...so she grabs her hand, said something strange, cracked up, and smacked Helen on her leg.
Helen was a bit shocked but carried on and said it was nice to meet you. I asked if she'd like a seat and she said no. She did sit though because after grandmas first answer to the first question, I think she no longer had a choice but to sit.

Well Mrs Alta, I'm an attorney and I came to serve you with these court papers that your grand daughter filed. They say that your grand daughter wants to have you come live with her so she can take care of you. Is that something you'd like to happen?

Grandma starts bawling and saying how she didn't want to leave here and how perdy it is here and she loves the people in this place.

Mrs Alta, do you know your grand daughter?

Well if she's my grand daughter, I guess I know who she is don't I?

Whats her name Mrs Alta?

She didn't know, of course, but she did go on a tyraid about how pretty my hair is so it wasn't all bad hahaha. This poor woman had about 3 hairs on her entire head and grandma kindly pointed out how we alllllllllllll have tons and tons of hair and how perdy our hair is and how hers sucked ass...in not so many words. Actually, in many many words but she didn't say suck ass to her or anything. Grandma also went on about how thin and fit SHE is and how fat Helen was. Nice.

Anyway, Helen kept trying to get back on track and talk about court stuff. Honestly I don't know that grandma even knows what a court IS.

Where do you keep your money? What bank do you have your account at Mrs Alta?

Well, (patting her chest) I keep it alllllll right here. Now, I know just where I keep ever thing. If you gotta keep it you gotta have it.

Who do you live here with Mrs Alta?

I've always lived alone until I had babies. Once they started coming, they just wouldn't stop. He's a big ole dude (pointing to Jackson) but hes gotta work all day and he'll be home this evening. They always ask me, why do you do that sort of thing and then laugh. Well they think it's funny but I don't. I just think the sun welcomes you the room just opens up (wide arms out) and takes me in.

So, Mrs Alta, what do you eat? What do you like to eat?

Well ya know, I eat all my life. I just chew my fingers to the bone!
(note: I DO feed her, she eats me out of house and home. She doesn't actually have to eat her hands)

Mrs Alta, who's this boy? (pointing at Jack)

He's the lil feller but he don't belong to us.
Then she looks at me and asks when will his mother come after him?

Mrs Alta, do you go to the doctor often?

She looks at me, "well do I?"
No grandma.
Welllllllllll, ya know, grandma says, I went to the doctor once and I looked him in the eye and you know, they said if you can't look em in the eye, they ain't good for nuthin. They said, well what are you a doin' looking in my eyes?! I said well, if the doctor don't know what he's doing, he don't need to be lookin in my eyes!

At this point, I'm cry laughing and Helen looked like she was trying to understand Russian and never even cracked a smile.

Mrs Alta, can you get around on your own?

I drive all over the country ever day! I learned to drive when I was about her size(she's still not my size) and been a goin ever since.
Then grandma spit. Yep, she did. She spat upon the floor right there where we sat. Helen seemed a bit taken aback, she indeed JUMPED back hahahaha. I didn't even flinch. Just looked over at Helen and smiled, big smiled.

Remember that rodeo Helen refered to earlier? I'm thinkin this was her first and she dun got bucked!

I'll be back soon to update you on more stuff.
In the meantime, think of all the funnies that will go on in the courtroom cuz you KNOW I have to bring granny with me!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I'm Meltingggggggggg

There is a new movie out and it's just as cute as it can be. This is the sequel to Ice Age, called Ice Age 2, The Meltdown. You really have no idea how appropriate that title is until you've seen it with my grandma.

See, Jack saw Ice Age 1 on TV the other night and I had to stop what I was doing to watch him because he was laughing that hysterical belly laugh that only children can do. The one where they can't breathe and neither can you once you get laughing just watching them laugh. I can't figure out what it is about a squirrel (I think that's what he was) chasing a nut around for 2 hours that he thought was so funny but I loved watching him. So we decided he must go to the theater to see part 2 since it was coming out in a few days. Well, it's out and we went.

I wasn't sure if it would be a good idea to bring grandma and since I'm broke, I hated to have to pay for her to go in a movie she wouldn't even enjoy or remember and could quite possibly be very disruptive with her narratives for the other movie goers. But, I thought what the hell and we all went.

When we got there, the coolest thing happened. We had 5 people and as we all know, 5 movie tickets cost a small fortune these days. Well, I walk up to the teller and say 3 adults, 1 child, and one senior. The boy asked if the senior was that one in the wheel chair, pointing to grandma. I said yes. He said well seniors in wheel chairs get in FREE along with one adult also being free. TWO FREE TICKETS??? Yep. And, turned out that Jack was also free (under 3) and Lane got a child rate. WOO HOOO! So, all 5 of us got in for a mere 13 bucks! YAY for Carmike theaters!

Well we go in and grandma starts ooo'in and ahhh'n and going on. But when the movie started she actually giggled at that stupid squirrel right along with Jack. She sat through the entire movie and didn't do anything weird or obnoxious or anything. She just watched and was all sucked into it. Laughed at the appropriate parts and everything.

Here's where it got good.
After the movie was over, we walk out of the theater and the boys hit the bathroom. I push grandma out into the lobby to wait on them, and there's another woman waiting for her people. Grandma asks me if she'd been sleeping. I laugh and say no grandma, we were in a movie. She said well maybe you were but I was having some wild dreams! The other lady standing there giggled a little and I said to her, alzheimers is sumpin, aint it? She just sorta nodded. Then grandma went on to tell me all about her dream.

She had to chase all these animals outta there cuz it was a meltin'!! There were animals she hadn't ever seen before and some were big ole rascals. She dreamed of squirrels chasin her (the nut, ironic huh? hahaha) but he never could catch her, she was too fast and furious for him!!! There was water everywhere and she had to swim to get away from the sea monsters. And so on.

When we got in the car, grandma says, WHEW! I asked what that was for. She said she's been traveling across the country and through the entire ocean all day long!!! We all busted a gut laughing.
The comments about the squirrels telling her to run from the flood and animals jumping out of trees continued. She said how tired she was because of all the running and swimming she'd been doing.
By the time we got about half way home, it was no longer a dream but what she was actually doing. She noticed the city lights and street lights and such and said, Oh they're still open. I asked what was still opened? She said the whole town. She said she didn't think they'd be open so fast after the flood n all. bwahahaha.

Then, out of nowhere, she burst into song.

CAUTION, THE LYRICS IN THIS SONG ARE OFFENSIVE, written (mostly) by Alta and they go a lil sumpin like this:

I was standin' on the river but I couldn't get across
Singin' Polly Wolly Doodle all the dayyyyyyyy
So I jumped on a ["n" word] cuz I thought it was a hoss
Singin' Polly Wolly Doodle all the dayyyyyyyyyy.

***Insert extreme shock and horror in the looks on ALL of our faces here***
All of us at first were doing that cartoon thing where their heads do the multi-double-take thing. Accompanied by the funny do-do-do-do-d0 sound. Like when they can't believe thier ears/eyes? It all took about a half a second to register but seemed like 5 minutes and then we all nearly peed ourselves laughing because we were so in shock! We couldn't breathe!

Again, normally I'd get on her for saying that nasty word but this time, I merely hit the gas pedal a little harder and tried to get her home and in bed so she could HOPEFULLY start in with the real dreams.

We were laughing so hard when she started the second verse (same as the first, but you knew that already) that I had to pull the car over because I couldn't see for the rain falling from my very eyes.

If anyone reading this is a caretaker for (or can borrow someone else's) an alzheimers patient...I highly recommend taking them to see Ice Age 2.

Alta, in no way, meant anything racist by her song. It was merely a word she grew up using because those were the times. She didn't know any different and since we're back to her childhood...

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Headlines read: 92 yr old Grandma kidnaps lil feller!

We're all familiar here with the "lil feller" in our house, right? That would be lil Jack. Ever since grandma got here, we're pretty sure she thinks he belongs to her. And since he acts like she belongs to him, well it all seems to work out just dandy.
So yesterday the lil feller needed to pee. He's becoming quite a big feller now and likes to do this unassisted. The only problem, as anyone who has or knows a boy, is that Jacks "lil feller" likes to fly around if it's not held on to and pointed in the right direction. Well Jack thinks this is a might funny so he stands there and puts his hands on his hips and just lets fly. Then he squeals, "I pee on da wall!!!" and then cracks up! I tell him everytime to NOT pee on the wall, it's not funny and I'll have to help if he doesn't do it right. Well yesterday I was doing my hair for work and he purposely peed on the wall again and in the process, he peed on ME!
Needless to say, Jack was in trouble. I hollered at him and told him that was a no no and what he did was naughty and he wasn't to pee on the wall anymore!
Just as I turned around to get the bathroom cleaner to clean up the mess, I see grandma haulin' ass down the hall and she was PISSED!
I say, it's nothing grandma don't worry about it. Go on and sit down and I'll bring your coffee in a minute.
She said, "well I'ma goin' home!" Then she grabs Jacksons hand and says, "c'mon son, lets go home" and she heads out with him in tow. Then Jack says, "I not son, I JACKson." Then we all fell out laughing. Well, all of us except for grandma who just kept on going, with Jacks hand still in hers.
Well I let her go on for a bit and she got to the living room. I headed in to see what was what. I said hi grandma, whats shakin? She said nothing, they were just looking around. Then she said that lil feller wanted to show her something and he was indeed showing her stuff and babbling on about his books. So I asked if she was ready for some coffee and she said she never turns down a cup of coffee and I took her to the table for some breakfast.

All was well for most of the day and then later in the evening, the boys were playing around and got a little rowdy. Lots of laughing and boy noises and here she comes....

Do you know she did the exact same thing AGAIN??? Of course you do.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

First Time For Ever Thang!

and sometimes it takes 92 yrs to get a first time!
As some of you know, I have issues with feet. But, when you are a caretaker of a loved one who cares not about her feet, then you must step in and do the caring. Only I can't. I TRIED, honest I did. But I failed. Horked as it were. Like a dog eating grass, I horked till I couldn't hork no mo. So I made my dear Grandma an appointment at the spa yesterday to have her very first ever pedicure! Yep, a real live honest to goodness pedicure from an actual manicurist in an actual spa!
Let's retrace our steps back to pre naptime manicuring. This wasn't done in a shop cuz I have no hand issues, only feet issues and granny has lovely hands. So, we go out on the porch and I proceed to ATTEMPT to cut her fingernails for her. She SCREAMS! STOP CUTTING MEEEEE!!! LET GO OF MY HANDS!!!! YOU'RE CUTTING ME, STOOOOOOP!!! Screaming I tell you!
Oh. my. God. Grandma, I wouldn't cut you, honestly. I'm just going to trim your nails for you now hold still. You'll just feel the clippers next to your finger but I promise I won't cut you.

Then the next door neighbor came out to see what was what. Oh geez. I swear mister, I ain't cuttin her, she's just very dramatic. He just stares at me. I SAID I swear, i'm not actually hurting her, I'm just cutting her nails and she's getting tired and she's ready for a nap. (Now go back in your house you nosey muthaf...... heh heh).

K, gimme your hand. Second verse, same as the first, sans neighbor.

Alright, back to the pedicure!
Our appointment is at 5:45. We get there early so I can prepare the manicurist for the worst and pray for the best. I warn her that granny can be quite mouthy, talk a LOT and make little sense, and might fight this whole thing so she may not actually be doing a pedicure but we'd like to try.
Tina, the salon owner and manicurist, is wonderful. Says it'll be great, lets get her started.
She takes us into our private room and crrrrrrrrap! The chair is way up in the air. I'm thinkin we might never get this done if grandma has to climb up there. Well, turns out grandma wasn't kiddin when she told the "I was the best tree climber in the country" stories. Up she went, just like a pro! See?
So our sweet Tina says I'm going to run water in this tub and it's going to give you a nice massage. Grandma hollers WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN TAKIN MY SHOES OFF IN THIS RESTAURANT???
Tina cracked up. I explained what was going on and she finally went for it. Tina ran the water perfectly luke warm. The exact temp of your skin. Perfect.
Grandma really, it's not, just relax your feet and put them in the water, you'll love it.
Now you can picture poor Tina spinnin knobs back n forth tryin her damndest to get the water right since she was obviously freeze burning granny.
I told her just do what she does and granny would be fine.
Grandma finally simmered down and put her feet in the water. Then Tina said ok, I'm going to turn on the jets to massage your feet so it's going to get a little loud in here. Grandma says ok. Tina turns on the jets, the water starts bubbling...
oh gawd. Grandma, it's not boiling, it's just bubbles from the massager. That went a couple rounds till Jackson jumped in with his .02. Gwamma, put your feet in the bubbles!!! And of course, she did.
Tina leaves for a few minutes and I keep reminding grandma to keep her feet in the water. She says shes finished. She already ate. She didn't bring her suit. You get the picture.
Tina comes back with her supplies and sits down to get started.
She dips in the water to get a foot and grandma JERKS it away. WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN? I'm havin a bath!!! We all busted up!!! Even Tina! See?
So, I tell granny to settle down, Tina is going to clean her feet up real nice for her and make them feel great! Oh she jerked and wiggled, hollered and bitched. Tina and I wondered if we'd get anything done.
And then, the skies opened up, angels began to sing, the deaf could hear and the blind could see...
Our Saviour appeared. His name was Shane. And he was good. Well, at the least he was a
M-A-N which is all that's nessesary in these situations to calm grandma and turn her into the hair flingin ho we all know she is deep down inside.
Shane really just came in to say goodnight to Tina, he was going home. But if you think grandma would let him loose, you ARE new.
"Well howdy there!" and thats all she wrote. Shane was also from Alabama and talked at length with (to) her about it. Shane was so cute, he just went on and on and pretended she had a clue as to what he was talking about and she pretended right back. Grandma sang and Shane cried. Said Grandma reminded him of his meemaw. Ain't he sweet?! >>

Well while those two entertained each other, everyone in the place kept coming back to see what was up in there. They all said the same thing...Y'all are havin too much fun back here! We'd all crack up, they'd stay a minute and then leave. But the best part...all that time, Tina was workin on them feet and granny didn't even notice she was there. She cut and filed and sanded and blasted till those suckers were smooth as silk.
At one point Tina said look here and I did. I shouldn't have, but I did. She wanted to show me the thing hangin off the bottom of Grandmas foot. Oh. My. God. WHY??? Why Tina, would you do that to me??? I have ISSUES!!! I can't do feet. Thats why we're here! I just can't see that shit. Tina cracked up and said she'd make it go away, and she did, cuz she rocks like that and doesn't have those issues.
Oh, and how cute is this? Jackson helped Tina the whole time! See?

Jack is just the sweetest kid ever and he sho does have Grandma wrapped around his lil finger!
So, there you have it. After 92 yrs, Grandma got her first real live pedicure at a schmansy spa even! We loved Tina. We loved Shane.
Oh, and on the way out the front door, grandma hugged Tina and Jack headed out first. He turns back around, looks at Tina, and says, THANKS BABY! And walks out. bwhahaha! Classic Jack!
We get outside and I asked grandma how her feet felt. Her answer? "Well, it ain't nuttin wrong with them is they?"
So, no, she doesn't remember how much fun we had or how good Tina was to her, or about her new boyfriend but she was insanely happy the rest of the night. Which made me insanely happy. Life is good.

p.s. sorry the pics are so dark, i had to shoot facing the sun and we all know thats the wrong way to do it! But aren't them some HOT legs my Grannys got goin on? bwhahaha!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

American Idol...Not a fan!

Alright, I'll admit it. We've grown attached to watching American Idol. Now since granny is a huge music fan and loves singing and hearing music, we ASSUMED she'd enjoy some Idol. Ummm, not so much.
Seems NO one can sing.
Not even Mandisa. Oh and "she should shut her big mouth before somethin flies in there."
"That boy (Bucky) ain't no boy atall. He's a girl and his momma should know it. Why would he even think about singing in front of all those people lookin like that??? That ain't singin..."
(Ace) -"She's the ugliest woman I ever did see and she needs to shuuuut upppppppp."
(Kathrine)-"If she wore that shirt any bigger she'd be showing that man (huh?) something he don't wanna see!" (again, huh?)
(Chris)- "Does he think that's singin? If I'd have made any sorta noise like that, momma woulda tanned my hide!"
(Chicken Little)- "ssssssssshhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttt."
"You know, in my day, we didn't go on stage actin like that!"

And this goes on the entire 2 hours! So, needless to say, we tune in every week and since Granny has a tv in her room and a nice comfy chair, we watch it WITH HER! Cuz we're a bunch of idjits with a warped sense of humor.
Oh settle down, she doesn't even remember a few minutes later! Plus, it's hysterical!!! We're clappin or booing and rootin for our favs and she's makin all the great commentary. Y'all are missin out!
Look out Simon, you got some competition riiiiiiiight here!

Oh yea, and sometimes either my mother or aunt call to comment (laugh) at the contestants on the show too. Well tonight my mother called and I asked did she wanna talk to granny. She said ok so I gave her the phone. My mother apparently asked her who all was there with her and granny said "a bunch of folks who don't live here!"