and sometimes it takes 92 yrs to get a first time!
As some of you know, I have issues with feet. But, when you are a caretaker of a loved one who cares not about her feet, then you must step in and do the caring. Only I can't. I TRIED, honest I did. But I failed. Horked as it were. Like a dog eating grass, I horked till I couldn't hork no mo. So I made my dear Grandma an appointment at the spa yesterday to have her very first ever pedicure! Yep, a real live honest to goodness pedicure from an actual manicurist in an actual spa!
Let's retrace our steps back to pre naptime manicuring. This wasn't done in a shop cuz I have no hand issues, only feet issues and granny has lovely hands. So, we go out on the porch and I proceed to ATTEMPT to cut her fingernails for her. She SCREAMS! STOP CUTTING MEEEEE!!! LET GO OF MY HANDS!!!! YOU'RE CUTTING ME, STOOOOOOP!!! Screaming I tell you!
Oh. my. God. Grandma, I wouldn't cut you, honestly. I'm just going to trim your nails for you now hold still. You'll just feel the clippers next to your finger but I promise I won't cut you.
I THINK I KNOW WHEN I'M BEING CUT AND YOU'RE CUTTING ME!!!
Then the next door neighbor came out to see what was what. Oh geez. I swear mister, I ain't cuttin her, she's just very dramatic. He just stares at me. I SAID I swear, i'm not actually hurting her, I'm just cutting her nails and she's getting tired and she's ready for a nap. (Now go back in your house you nosey muthaf...... heh heh).
K, gimme your hand. Second verse, same as the first, sans neighbor.
Alright, back to the pedicure!
Our appointment is at 5:45. We get there early so I can prepare the manicurist for the worst and pray for the best. I warn her that granny can be quite mouthy, talk a LOT and make little sense, and might fight this whole thing so she may not actually be doing a pedicure but we'd like to try.
Tina, the salon owner and manicurist, is wonderful. Says it'll be great, lets get her started.
She takes us into our private room and crrrrrrrrap! The chair is way up in the air. I'm thinkin we might never get this done if grandma has to climb up there. Well, turns out grandma wasn't kiddin when she told the "I was the best tree climber in the country" stories. Up she went, just like a pro! See?
So our sweet Tina says I'm going to run water in this tub and it's going to give you a nice massage. Grandma hollers WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN TAKIN MY SHOES OFF IN THIS RESTAURANT???
Tina cracked up. I explained what was going on and she finally went for it. Tina ran the water perfectly luke warm. The exact temp of your skin. Perfect.
THATS HOOOOOOOOOT!!!! YOU'RE FREEZIN ME TO DEATH!!!! (huh?) THAT'S TOO HOT!!!!
Grandma really, it's not, just relax your feet and put them in the water, you'll love it.
WELL I WOULD RELAX IF YOU WEREN'T FREEZIN ME TO DEATH.
Now you can picture poor Tina spinnin knobs back n forth tryin her damndest to get the water right since she was obviously freeze burning granny.
I told her just do what she does and granny would be fine.
Grandma finally simmered down and put her feet in the water. Then Tina said ok, I'm going to turn on the jets to massage your feet so it's going to get a little loud in here. Grandma says ok. Tina turns on the jets, the water starts bubbling...
YOU'RE BURNIN ME UP!!! WHY WOULD YOU TURN THAT BOILIN WATER ON MY FEET???
oh gawd. Grandma, it's not boiling, it's just bubbles from the massager. That went a couple rounds till Jackson jumped in with his .02. Gwamma, put your feet in the bubbles!!! And of course, she did.
Tina leaves for a few minutes and I keep reminding grandma to keep her feet in the water. She says shes finished. She already ate. She didn't bring her suit. You get the picture.
Tina comes back with her supplies and sits down to get started.
She dips in the water to get a foot and grandma JERKS it away. WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN? I'm havin a bath!!! We all busted up!!! Even Tina!
So, I tell granny to settle down, Tina is going to clean her feet up real nice for her and make them feel great! Oh she jerked and wiggled, hollered and bitched. Tina and I wondered if we'd get anything done.
And then, the skies opened up, angels began to sing, the deaf could hear and the blind could see...
Our Saviour appeared. His name was Shane. And he was good. Well, at the least he was a
M-A-N which is all that's nessesary in these situations to calm grandma and turn her into the hair flingin ho we all know she is deep down inside.
Shane really just came in to say goodnight to Tina, he was going home. But if you think grandma would let him loose, you ARE new.
"Well howdy there!" and thats all she wrote. Shane was also from Alabama and talked at length with (to) her about it. Shane was so cute, he just went on and on and pretended she had a clue as to what he was talking about and she pretended right bac
k. Grandma sang and Shane cried. Said Grandma reminded him of his meemaw. Ain't he sweet?! >>
Well while those two entertained each other, everyone in the place kept coming back to see what was up in there. They all said the same thing...Y'all are havin too much fun back here! We'd all crack up, they'd stay a minute and then leave. But the best part...all that time, Tina was workin on them feet and granny didn't even notice she was there. She cut and filed and sanded and blasted till those suckers were smooth as silk.
At one point Tina said look here and I did. I shouldn't have, but I did. She wanted to show me the thing hangin off the bottom of Grandmas foot. Oh. My. God. WHY??? Why Tina, would you do that to me??? I have ISSUES!!! I can't do feet. Thats why we're here! I just can't see that shit. Tina cracked up and said she'd make it go away, and she did, cuz she rocks like that and doesn't have those issues.
Oh, and how cute is this? Jackson helped Tina the whole time! See?
Jack is just the sweetest kid ever and he sho does have Grandma wrapped around his lil finger!
So, there you have it. After 92 yrs, Grandma got her first real live pedicure at a schmansy spa even! We loved Tina. We loved Shane.
Oh, and on the way out the front door, grandma hugged Tina and Jack headed out first. He turns back around, looks at Tina, and says, THANKS BABY! And walks out. bwhahaha! Classic Jack!
We get outside and I asked grandma how her feet felt. Her answer? "Well, it ain't nuttin wrong with them is they?"
So, no, she doesn't remember how much fun we had or how good Tina was to her, or about her new boyfriend but she was insanely happy the rest of the night. Which made me insanely happy. Life is good.
p.s. sorry the pics are so dark, i had to shoot facing the sun and we all know thats the wrong way to do it! But aren't them some HOT legs my Grannys got goin on? bwhahaha!